The following message was delivered to my house by two
mysterious men and one woman dressed in black suits, black ties and driving a
black Cadillac which looked strangely new despite being of an old model.
The message reads:
>>>>
The proper authorities, including FBI, MIB, CIA, NSA, FEMA, CSICOP and the Richard Dawkins Foundation have analyzed 10,000 reports of supposed varmints in all 50 states of the Union, the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico and the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands.
We have reached the conclusion that NONE, repeat NONE of these supposed incidents and intermezzos can be attributed to so-called vampire beasts, phantom cats, bears with red stars on their forehead or grizzlies the size of a poodle.
ALL of these purported observations can be given satisfactory natural explanations: 95% were the planet Venus seen under unusual conditions, 3% were the planet Jupiter seen under usual conditions, 2% were hoaxes perpetrated by young earth creationists using a Barn Owl dressed as a dinosaur, and 1% were staged by MonsterQuest to boost their falling ratings, thereby violating statute 567/89-10 of the Licensing Agreement For Commercial TV, passed by the 57th Congress of these United States.
Those who continue to feed the public distorted information on the so-called varmints WILL BE CONSIDERED a threat to the public security and safety of the 50 states and 2 Commonwealths, and forced to take compulsory zoology and astronomy classes on an approved institution of higher learning at their own expense, OR forced to listen to lectures by Sir Richard Dawkins, OR stripped of all their possessions and sent to Guantanamo Bay, where they will be kept close to some real varmints of the feline persuasion.
We have already forced the Canadian government to comply with our requests by threatening to cancel NAFTA and the National Hockey League. In fact, our Cadillac has supernatural powers and can tip the North Pole at our command at any time.
Whatever you think you have seen, IT WAS NOT A BLACK PANTHER EATING A CANDYBAR. It was nothing else than the planet Venus seen under unusual circumstances.
End of transmission AND REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO ALBERT BENDER.
>>>>
Naturally, these mysterious persons unknown scared the living daylights out of me (not to mention my pet panther), and since the Swedish authorities refuse to help me (typical Communist stuff), I feel forced to deliver this message to the American people, lest I get beamed up to Venus or something.
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean *they* are not out to get you, right?
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