Debunking Doug & Dave

 

I assumed crop circles were dead in the water as a dodo, and then some! However, it seems that the mostly-skeptical Why Files have decided to re-open the cold case...

If this guy disappears in the next two or three weeks, we know Operation Blackbird is still in force.  

Called it

I know this is highly subjective, but I´m beginning to like cladistics. You know, that annoying shit which has created havoc in the evolutionary tree we all learned in senior high science class circa 1985. With some help, I might add, from the phylogenetic species concept (still don´t like that one) and the Sibley-Ahlquist taxonomy of birds (which does make sense). 

I always suspected that starlings were really a kind of petty crows, and yepp, you guessed it, Sibley and my man Jon did prove that sturnids and corvids should really be treated as the same family. Indeed, if Anatomically Modern Man disappears, the next intelligent (and highly destructive) ruler of this space rock will probably be...Sturnus vulgaris, hell bent on a campaign of extermination against crows, gulls and, I suppose, anatomically less modern men. Of course it´s a bloody corvid. 

As for cladistix, one clade that certainly makes sense is the Eufalconimorphae, within which falcons are grouped with passerines and parrots, meaning (of course) that falcons are *not* closely related to hawks, eagles or the highly aberrant stork known as "California condor". No surprise there, I always thought falcons looked more similar to said parrots, rather than to raptors of the diurnal persuasion. 

Now, it has come to my quality attention that some prominent cladisticians have proposed the existence of a *huge* clade known as Pancrustacea, regrouping both insects and crustaceans. Bingo! All my life, I wondered about the sinister similarity between the half-dead crayfish at my parents´ dinner table and the Insecta in our backyard, now I know the reason why, thank you. 

I have stopped worrying, and learned how to love cladograms. Yeah, really. 

Tone deaf

Taylor Swift's silence on the recent taxonomic revision of Icteridae is deafening, could indicate implicit sympathy for Eurasian Blackbird!

Certified self-irony

A review of a badge with the text "Certified Pseudo-Intellectual" on sale at Amazon. 

Yes, I'm a certified pseudo-intellectual. I'm so certified, in fact, that I don't need a badge to prove it. I don't even have to open my mouth. Pseudo-intellectualism just oozes out of me, like an aura or something. Still, if you are the resident pseudo-intellectual of your neighborhood, and somehow this doesn't show, I recommend you buy this here badge today!

PS. Of course, another way to prove the point is to post 4026 customer reviews...

If it quacks like a donald...

I believe that The Donald should be stopped from entering the British Antarctic Territory. Why? Because he's a DUCK, that's why!!! I have signed petitions and affidavits from 500,000 albatrosses and 75,000 penguins to this effect, and tomorrow my proposal will be discussed by the Eldermen at Port Stanley, Falkland Islands. So be 'fraid, Donald from Ducksburg Manhattan, be very 'fraid, we don't want your golden eggs (or your trump towers or your duckling values) on our distant and icy shores, get it?

Make the Blackbird great again. A Message from Sweden

If you think this almost extinct eagle (only thirteen left in the world) can scare us, Mr Trump, you underestimated our resolve and toughness. The Blackbird is the national bird of Sweden, now and forever, period. Just wait, he'll fly over to Manhattan and challenge your sad little raptor above that trump tower of yours. Not even a wall can stop him. Seriously, why is the bald headed "eagle" still a thing?

What's so alarming?

A review of "The Secret Blackbird: The Alarming Case of the Missing Birds" 

This book is currently unavailable. I therefore haven't seen it. But, seriously, what's so alarming about some cowbird or meadowlark going missing somewhere? They had their evolutionary chance, and they blew it. As Richard Dawkins would no doubt say: Well, that's just tough. Of course, I'm assuming the "secret blackbird" in the book's title is a so-called New World blackbird (Icteridae). If it turns out to be a sturdy, healthy, brilliant Common Blackbird, a veritable wonder of evolutionary fitness, I'M GOING TO DEMAND ACTION FROM THE PROPER AUTHORITIES.

You see, I'm a liberal.

A clarification

It recently came to my attention that the vile and nefarious impostor who claims to be "Ashtar Command" has pulled off another one of his stunts, claiming that I hate Shetland Sheepdogs, a.k.a. Shelties.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Shelties are highly evolved extraterrestrial beings, hailing from the ascended star Lakuma in the Sirius system. There, the Shelties dwelleth in perpetual light and love, together with New World Blackbirds and Bald-Headed Eagles. They are tenderly overseen by Lassie himself.

On December 21, 2012 the evil Annunaki aliens of Nibiru wanted to burn your planet like cinder, but due to the intercession of said Shelties, the Interplanetary Masters of Lakuma took firm and decisive action, sending Nibiru all the way to the dogs. Of course, this was done on the express condition (communicated telepathically to all denizens of Earth via Youtube) that Shelties should be given only high quality food and the best distilled water to drink. Also, you must give them qualified exercise and really nice toys.

If not, another attack by the Annunaki might elicit a somewhat more passive response from our side, although all Shelties will (of course) be beamed away to safety before the final countdown.

Apparently, one of said Annunaki has disguised himself as "Ashtar Command", distorting the true intentions of the Light Bearers. Do not be deceived! The future of your godforsaken little planet, including the Shetland Islands, might depend on it.

Real Ashtar Command, over and out.

Oh no, Inga again

A review of a "gnome" outfit sold by Amazon. 

Please come on, this is not a gnome. This is hideous Inga from the Bavarian Alps. Again! I know from personal experience how gnomes are supposed to look like since I've been one myself. In fifth grade, elementary school, I was *the* gnome in the local Lucia celebration. Gnomes have red hats, grey dress and hold a lamp. They certainly don't wear skirts, nor do they yodel in some incomprehensible South German dialect. Besides, I think "Ms. Gnome" might be psychedelic, I mean she spouts two flying agaric mushrooms on her dress! I don't think that would have been allowed in a children's Lucia celebration....

Have mercy on a poor sinner

To those who complain about my strangely schizoid review habits, please note that I'm not responsible for the deeds of my evil twin.

I'm the fair Dr. Jekyll. The other guy is my Hyde side.

He's the one hating the Shelties and Meadowlarks, while extolling the virtues of European Blackbirds, North Korean strongman rule and posting 84 bizarre pseudo-reviews of books about sand dunes and mosses. When he isn't busy questioning the virtue of beautiful Bavarian girls, that is.

The guy started popping up when I got off my meds about eighth months ago. The government cut back on my subsidies, and...well, you know how these things go. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I suppose I have to cut back on something else.

Citizen militia out on a limb

This week, our unofficial favourite author here on Amazon, the overt peak oiler and somewhat more covert druid John Michael Greer, links to a secessionist website called "The Second Vermont Republic".

The group's mission statement includes the following goal: "A strategic alliance with other small, democratic, nonviolent, affluent, socially responsible, cooperative, egalitarian, sustainable, ecofriendly nations such as Austria, Finland, Sweden, and Switzerland which share a high degree of environmental integrity and a strong sense of community."

Much as a like Sweden (I mean, it really *is* the best nation in the world, isn't it?), I must say that the Vermont Citizen Militia is out on a limb here. Sustainable? Eco-friendly? A strong degree of community? Sweden????

Naaaah.

Sweden is dependent on exports of lumber and ore, imports of oil, natural gas and (arguably) coffee, Swedes consume enormous quantities of candy and snacks every year, and we are all hooked on nuclear power and foreign loans. We also overfish the Baltic Sea like a bunch of kook cormorants going mustang, while blaming everything on the Russians. As for the strong sense of community, yeah, maybe around 1960. Today, swingers clubs are probably the closest thing average Swedes ever get to "community", if you know what I'm hintin' at.

But sure, it's good to know that at least one secessionist milita in the United States seem to be liberal... I take it a re-localized Vermont won't do anything funny about the Thirteenth Amendment, then?

A lilac liberal lament

It just struck me that this is how I've been feeling all my life: "I´ve got a feeling we´re not in Kansas anymore". 

There is something wrong with the world. And I haven't even been to Kansas... 

I hope I don't have to return to this non-Kansan reality (a.k.a. Psycho Planet) a second time. I'm going to apply for the position as a lilac blackbird on Lakuma, instead. 

Incarnational Spirituality? Yeah, sure, but only if I decide where or when I'm going to incarnate!

A good icterid is a dead icterid

A review of "An extinct icterid from Shelter Cave, New Mexico" 

A good icterid is a dead icterid. Come on, deep inside all American bird-watchers want the Brown-headed Cowbirds to fossilize stat. Not to mention those incredibly boring meadowlarks. (They aren't larks anyway.)

It's a good thing that A.H. Miller has written this little book on an extinct New World "Blackbird" from the Shelter Cave, NM. I just hope we will see more titles of this kind in the future.

A whole series, actually.

Perhaps this pamphlet will make it easier for the European Blackbird lobby in Washington?

I was just eating a cookie

A review of a badge with the caption "My silence could mean you are not worth the argument" 

This must be the ultimate pin/badge for customer reviewers flamed by nasty people in the commentary sections. You know, the kind of guys who claim that their Dobermann Pinscher is really nice to kids, that American Eagles somehow trumps Swedish House Sparrows on the tree of life, complain about your friendly conversations with British Taoists, or accuse you of not having read the 1000-page encyclopaedia of freak hornet mutants you just ostensibly reviewed. Therefore, I must issue this clarification: no, dear complainers, I was simply out, eating a jumbo sized candy bar! Or maybe, just maybe, I actually have a day job... :P

The mocking generation

This is definitely my kind of bird! “I'm not here to debate you, I'm only here to mock you”. Or, sometimes, mock myself. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not just into irony and sarcasm, but also SELF-irony. Ironically, however, I won't disclose which reviews are self-ironic, and which are mocking *you*. Annoying to the point of mockery, wouldn't you agree?

Angry young birds

What's all this stuff about my reviews being “for the birds”? There's nothing wrong with my reviews. They are measured, moderate, to the point and completely in keeping with the guidelines. This firm line of reviewer action will of course continue during AD 2014. Just so you know.

Pigs don't fly

When the "Angry Birds" product line introduced a piglet, I posted this on Amazon to school them on the basix of modern biology.

I hate to break the news, but pigs are...ahem...not birds, although I'm sure they can be angry. Sensu stricto, they are...well, mammals. Mammalia. Sus scrofa. Different line of evolution. But who knows, maybe some new DNA sequencing can solve our conundrums on this point? Where is the Discovery Institute when you need them?

Angry pig 

Respect, avian bro!

The European Starling is one of the most hated birds in North America. According to Wikipedia, 60 starlings were released in New York's Central Park in 1890 by one Eugene Schieffelin, a crackpot bird lover who wanted to introduce all birds mentioned in Shakespeare's plays into the United States. The experiment succeeded only too well.

Today, there are 150 million starlings in the United States, and their only redeeming trait is that they don't need fossil fuels to thrive!

According to Wiki, "Starlings are among the worst nuisance species in North America. The birds travel in enormous flocks; pose danger to air travel; disrupt farms; displace native birds; and roost on city blocks. Corrosive droppings on structures cause hundreds of millions of dollars of yearly damage. In 2008 the U.S. government poisoned, shot or trapped 1.7 million, the most of any nuisance species."

Respect, avian bro. But sure, something tells me Sturnus vulgaris won't replace the Bald-headed Eagle as the U.S. national bird any time soon...

Personally, I find Starlings weirdly sinister, due to their noises which I associate with really bad horror movies. They make exactly the kind of noise the director puts on before some zombie or mutant creature show up behind the next bush, going BOOO. How apt.

For a very long time, I assumed Starlings were actually Blackbirds, apparently a common mistake in Sweden, where both species are moderately abundant in pretty much the same milieux (nothing like 150 million, though). But then, I'm a bad, near-sighted bird-watcher!

I'm sure I'd never confuse a Starling and a Bald-Headed Eagle, however.

The runner up

The Common Blackbird is the national bird of Sweden, not officially but certainly in practice. It gained this coveted status in 1962, when the readers of Dagens Nyheter (a large Swedish daily paper) decided in its favour in a readers' poll. I don't know who the runner-up might have been! The Swedish blue-and-yellow duck?

The "national bird" status isn't surprising, I mean these birds are practically...well, everywhere??!! It's almost ridiculous.

My own relation to the Blackbird is pretty complicated. For a very long time, I wondered why I wasn't seeing any Starlings - supposedly another extremely common bird. However, I was seeing those Blackbirds all the damn time (often in unusually large flocks). Just a couple of years ago, when I took up "bad bird-watching", I realized that most "Blackbirds" I've seen for the past thirty years or so were actually...well, Starlings.

Ooops.

In my defence, let me say that most field guide to birds do state that confusing Blackbirds with Starlings at a distance is extremely common. Well, thank you. At least I don't have to die of everlasting shame for confusing the National Bird of the Kingdom of Sweden with the crop-destroying, noisy, dirty, crow-like Starling. (Apparently, it can mimic human speech, too. Including foul language!) Who knows, maybe this pest of the avian world was the runner-up back in 1962?

I've double checked, and the bird above is definitely a Blackbird (Turdus merula). Not a Starling. Just so you know.

Not in my backyard

According to recent cladistic analyses, birds are - wait for it - avialan maniraptoran coelurosaurian tetanurine theropod saurischian dinosaurs. I always suspected there was SOMETHING fishy about cladi...I mean, birds.