Feed Steven Spielberg to the sharks

Credit: Terry Goss

"Jaws" was something of a classic already when I was a kid. I didn't like the movie back then, and I still don't. My best friend was also very sceptical.

For starters, "Jaws" isn't particularly exciting. With the exception of one or two scenes, you *know* when the shark is going to show up due to that loony tune tam-tam-tam-tam-tam-tam-tam... Most of the movie, there is no action at all. And when Great White started attacking Steven Spielberg's ridiculously small boat, I yawned. Cujo was more scary in that Stephen King movie. And Cujo was just a puppy back then, right?

Perhaps me and my buddy were precocious or something, but we also criticized "Jaws" for being unrealistic. I doubt Great White Sharks can become this large. I mean, he's the size of a killer whale! Basking sharks can become very large, but they are harmless. (Yes, we knew about basking sharks. Common knowledge, alright?) And why would a guy looking for the world's most vicious shark use such a ridiculously small boat?

Naturally, there are several sequels, including one called "Jaws 3D". I never saw it as a kid. Maybe it was X-rated or something. I wonder why? Apparently, you needed a special kind of specs to watch it. Since I'm near-sighted, I would probably just have gotten a bad headache anyway.

I know that I'm in a minority here. One of my workmates (let's call him Happy Chappie) actually likes "Jaws", claiming it's a real classic and one of the best films ever made. Chappie says I'm not getting it. I guess I don't. "Jaws" didn't scare me even as a kid. "Alien" is a real horror movie. It scared me as an adult, even when I was watching it the second time on TV, with commercial breaks! I suppose I'm more afraid of xenomorphs in my closet than Great White Sharks in my bath tub. Or something. Every time I see "Jaws", I want to feed Spielberg to the xenomorphs!

I'll give it two stars for old times sake.

Tam-tam-tam-tam-tam-tam....

Gee, I think Mr. White is coming.