Identity politics

The following review was heavily criticized by demisexuals on Amazon. It´s possible that they were right! I repost it here mostly for archival reasons. Yes, you are allowed to criticize it in the commentary section... 

“All About Demisexuality” is a difficult e-book to review. The pseudonymous author, who calls herself Arf, tries to explain the ins and outs of “demisexuality”. It can be seen as a sexual orientation, or indeed the lack of one, since demisexuality is said to be part of the “asexual spectrum”. Above all, it seems to be a peculiar Queer identity, and hence part of the “identity politics” of the contemporary left-liberal (or Left Coast) scene. Demisexuals even have a flag of their own, depicted on the front cover of this e-booklet! The difficulty lies in Arf's confused description of what demisexuality is supposed to be. Perhaps demisexuals *are* confused, but pointing that out could be seen as insensitive. Paradoxically, it's also possible that many demisexuals are quite normal (they are, so to speak, on the “normal diversity spectrum” sexually speaking), but apparently that too could be seen as insensitive, since it's said to “invalidate” their experiences. This review is written from the perspective of someone who doesn't consider himself demisexual and who sincerely doesn't understand...

On the face of it, demisexuality is easy to define. It means that a person only feels sexual attraction towards another person with whom they have developed a deep emotional bond. In other words, demisexuals aren't attracted to just any luscious blonde female (or muscular male, or exotically clad trans-person) who happens to cross their way, nor are they attracted to pop stars or centerfold girls they haven't even met. But is this really so unusual? I suspect that demisexuality in *this* sense is relatively common, and that it has been erased due to the obsession with all things sexual (promiscuous and perverted sex in particular) characteristic of modern or postmodern Western culture. In such a climate, “demisexuals” are bound to feel alienated.

However, as the booklet progresses, the reader starts to wonder what exactly is being described. Apparently, demisexuals can masturbate, watch porn, feel a strong desire for sex, engage in nude cuddling, have kinky fetishes and even engage in penetrative or oral sex “for the joy of the physical pleasure” (i.e. without the emotional bond mentioned above) without losing their status as demisexuals in good standing! But if so, what on earth is the difference between a demisexual and a normally sexual person (or even an over-sexed one)? A person who whips casual partners for the joy of kinky pleasure doesn't strike me as being on any “asexual” spectrum at all… Other sections of “All About Demisexuality” imply that most demisexuals are either completely indifferent towards sex, or find it highly repulsive. This seems to be yet another phenomenon, not necessarily connected to the emotional-bonding demisexuals and completely unconnected to the physical pleasure/kink patrol.

Finally, one gets a strong feeling when reading Arf's descriptions that many demisexuals are socially awkward or extremely unsure of their feelings. The pamphlet, written by a young adult, seems geared towards teenagers at the very threshold of puberty, who for whatever reason don't understand what's happening to them. Arf believes that both neurotypicals and autists can be demisexual, which I suppose is true (no matter how you define the term), but it's hard not to suspect that autism might nevertheless be a cause in many cases. Schizoid Personality Disorder is also strikingly similar to at least some descriptions of demisexuality found in this booklet.

Ultimately, however, my main objection to “All About Demisexuality” is the insistence that we are dealing with yet another “identity” or “minority” which wants to be recognized alongside all the others, presumably as a subset of the Queer category, or perhaps as an independent group alongside other sexual minorities (as in the expressions LGBTIA, LGBTIQAP, LGBTQIA and other variants where the “A” sometimes stands for the asexual spectrum). I admit that I consider this particular kind of liberal politics (if that's what it is) deeply problematic, even somewhat disturbing. One of many objections I have is the “special snowflake” factor, where everyone declares him/her/xerself a demisexual since that's the cool thing to do. In other words, we are dealing with subcultures (which are fluid) rather than real, essential personality types.

“All About Demisexuality” is well-written and probably must reading if you want to know how self-identified demisexuals view themselves (it seems to be the only such pamphlet available), but I admit that it's underlying thesis didn't convince me…