Confessions

 

[The following is a translation of something I posted in Swedish last year. It´s essentially an expanded version of "Infinite possibilities", hence the rather obvious similarities and repetitions.] 

I considered myself a materialist until about the mid-00´s. However, I realized later that my "materialism" was really a form of teleological crypto-pantheism, so cryptic that I hardly understood it myself. If one believes that the entire universe has some kind of meaning or goal that´s hidden as a potential already in the primordial state and then unfolds itself in history, one isn´t really a materialist. 

During a short period (about a year maybe) I actually tried to be a consistent materialist. It didn´t really work. I mostly made me feel depressed. Eventually, I left materialism behind. There were several reasons for this. I suppose one was psychological. Materialism makes existence meaningless. Another reason could be termed philosophical. I believed very strongly in an objective morality, but how can you justify it without reference to some form of transcendental principle? I also realized that in principle it doesn´t seem possible to reduce consciousness to matter. Two books that influenced me were "The Mysterious Flame" by Colin McGinn and "The Mystery of Consciousness" by John Searle. Ironically enough, both authors are materialists!

Another thing that made me think were near-death experiences (NDEs). I think I first heard about them already during the 90´s. I was perplexed. There didn´t seem to be any obvious materialist explanation. But since I considered myself a materialist, I put them aside anyway. Later, NDEs became one of the strongest signs that there really is a spiritual or supernatural sphere of existence.

I didn´t have any clear alternative to materialism, but my thoughts pointed in the direction of dualism, perhaps even deism. During one period, I was sympathic towards, and interested in, Christianity. It has certain beliefs which I considered interesting: a personal god, anthropocentrism, the notion that the world is "fallen" and thus isn´t supposed to look like it does now, the notion that evil is a real power and hence not an illusion or something purely chaotic, and the (so to speak) populist view of salvation. Among other things!

I don´t understand the attraction of pantheism. It seems to be a kind of spiritualized materialism. What´s the *point* with breaking with materialism and atheism, if evil is inevitable anyway, illusory or said to come from God, a god that is suspiciously similar to man´s Freudian subconscious? I will probably never understand this. 

So why didn´t I become a Christian? C S Lewis said, jokingly, that a few years before his conversion he had accepted "all of Christianity except for the Christianity". Something similar can be said about me. The problem is the Bible. It doesn´t seem completely...real. What I have considered to be the main problem has varied over the years. At the moment, I suppose its the apocalyptic. It´s very clear from many NT books that the apostles expected the second coming of Jesus very soon, and Jesus himself is said to have made explicit pronouncements in that direction. 

But he didn´t come back. This is extremely strange, if you take the Bible seriously. Jesus is said to have been the Son of God, he is said to have taught the disciples for 40 days after the resurrection, and Paul had regular supernatural contact with both Christ and the Holy Ghost. John even got a direct revelation about what would soon come to pass. Isn´t it strange that *all* these people so *completely* misunderstood Jesus? No, I don´t think so. 

Primitive Christianity is, as far as we can tell, a failed apocalyptic sect... 

I know of course that there are alternative interpretations, but I don´t see any of them as particularly convincing. Some try to allegorize the second coming of Christ ("apocalypse of the heart"), but that´s scarcely possible. Surely it´s supposed to be interpreted literally. And that makes the Platonizing and Gnostic versions of Christianity problematic, as well. 

If Christianity isn´t true on a very central point, what then is the alternative?

I have no "alternative" to materialism or Christianity, but I have began to suspect that such may be very far away from our standard worldviews. Is it really so certain that there is only *one* true religion, or that "all religions are true since they all lead to the same goal"? Here is a radical thought: all religions are true although they lead to different goals! The only way to make the existence of the supernatural plausible isn through supernatural experiences, but these seem to confirm all religions and religious notions: animism, pantheism, polytheism, monotheism. Both personal transcendent creator-gods, impersonal world-souls and personal but limited spirit-beings show up before our eyes. What if they are all true? Or what if they are all...false? Astral mirages... 

It just struck me that people see demons, too!

Could one claim in some way that some of these religions are, despite everything, "higher" and hence more true than the others? To Christians, it´s self-evident that Christianity is highest. After all, it promises individual immortality (including the resurrection of the body), and talks about a personal god which even loves the sinners. Evil is completely destroyed and the world made new. But what is there *really* to say that this is the highest possible religion? Why isn´t it higher to merge with Brahman and become one with the cosmic consciousness? Why must my personality absolutely be preserved? Why must I have a body? Doesn´t this imply limitation? 

Anthropocentrism, too, can be questioned. Why should man play a central role in an infinitely spiritual and material cosmos? If there is a drama of salvation pertaining to us, it *only* pertains to us. Not to the Martians, Neandertals or Gaia as a whole. Sometimes I wonder if we are so far down the great chain of being that we simply cannot understand the divine. That would explain a thing or two!